Baby Bobby got his two month old shots today, I'm praying he doesn't develop autism. I really don't think he will, something the stars told me not to worry.
So I got really shitty drunk the other night. I went to my car and listened to the CD James gave me a year or so ago. It was a "stars above" demo and he specifically told me that track six "one February day" was about me. I listened to the whole album over and over and went back into my messages on Facebook and retread our conversations. The last thing I told him was to give all his problems to the universe and he would figure it out. I guess he did and he went into the universe I mean that's pretty literal don't you think?
I won $1000 on a scratch ticket Saturday night. It was almost unreal. I do believe that James made that happen for me, like a present for being a friend to him. Still, $1000 does not bring him back to this earth. Now, I feel that I have no connection to his friends or his band or anything having to do with the north shore in general, except for sweet Rebecca my professor in Peabody but she's very busy with her career and a baby. I am thankful well I am very thankful for that thousand dollars. I gave Robb 150, the state took 50 and I also brought $100 worth of groceries. We also went to Applebee's as a family and I got sangria. I have excepted that I am the one who is going to make money for the family. I mean don't get me wrong, Rob makes money and has a job but i pay for groceries and electric bill and pretty much what we need to live.
I'm done bitching about money. money does not really matter, nor will ever matter to me. I would just like enough money to keep a roof over our heads, go on vacation once in a while and send my son to college oh- and be able to eat without struggling. I do dearly want a career which I can use my intellectual smarts to get paid. Something that I can rely on every week for paycheck and not have to worry about making commissions and not being able to feed my family. But i cant start a career for now because I do not want to stick the baby in daycare and I can't ask Rob's mother to watch him 9 to 5 every day. she won't have a life at all and won't be able to go to her doctors appointments.
And ha oh Robb, my sweet dear baby daddy. well, I know he really does love me. It's just sad that he doesnt like to explore the intellectual world the same way that I do. He will never be able to get into music and lyrics the same way as I or find Comfort and sincerity in a poem such as I would. He will never spill his heart to me on paper or explain what he sees In my paintings. I pray my son will. Just wish he would tell me stories once in a while. But sadly it will never happen so unfortunately my heart keeps an open sore.
Well, it is 5 in the morning and i have a horrible stomachache. the baby will be waking soon and I'm still haunted but I want to be.
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