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I know it's true [16 Oct 2015|12:41am]
We are the people of the sun- more than the sun. Maybe yes the sun if the sun is the soul.

We are made of this microfiber extraterrestrial factoidization.
We are close to with all that is beautiful.

I need to create
I need this imaginate to disseminate.
I believe in you
I believe in you

This life is worth living
Get up, we've got places to go.
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[25 Apr 2013|10:44am]


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Picture says it all but I still want to say more [25 Apr 2013|02:48am]
[ mood | reflective ]

It is so much harder to express your insides When you know you have a child asleep in the room next to yours. Your world turns out from inside and a freaks out. every thing you thought was, is not.

There is a beauty about it. a beauty that envelops your soul and sets you free. a beauty that lets you relive youth again. There is also the fear that anything that was ever bad, could happen and could happen to your small, delicate And beautiful creation that is thus, a part of you.

There is the urgency to be home on time. There is the urgency to put them first in all that you do. There is the urgency that if you make one fatal mistake, it will hurt them for a long time.

Still, you choose to walk on the line of Uncertainty And throw the dice every day.

It's nice that in my world I am close and quiet and safe. But there are so many yesterdays I wish I could relive. And so many yesterdays that are dead and gone. I miss so much and have gained so more. I just want to be close to my yesterday's one more time. What's unmarked Is uncertain. Uncertainty thrills me. And this too shall pass.

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[03 Sep 2012|08:51pm]

So I discovered my old iPod works through my car. All these songs, forgotten memories,they all trace back to a time where I might've been much more in touch with myself. It takes too much effort now to discover new music. All I can be buried with are these lyrics and this leftover feeling of Merryment. it carries me along. People I will never see again. these songs remind me of them.

And now, I have to deal with hard, cold facts, like I have a five-month-old whose life depends on me and his father. I have a father ready to battle cancer. I have neighbors who I really don't know very well.
The only ones I know and love are leaving. The ones I've share parts of my very young life with, before this journal was even born.

On the radio, they play November rain, the solos awful long,but it's a good refrain. (Circa 2007)

God dammit I miss an academic atmosphere.

ahh ahh owah ha oh

I want to be delivered till I am gone, gone, gone.

God dammit- I am talking about my heart. Like tinfoil, like something you can break and crumple.

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Next door neighbors [13 Jul 2012|01:00am]

Somebody very cool lives down the street. I've heard him playing music outside before with a female singer and they just rode home on motorcycle or a moped. I wonder if I could ever go there To the house, and bring some cookies in hopes to be their friend. Really i just wish I had a group of friends I could play music with. How I love playing guitar and singing songs in front of people. I wonder if I'll ever get the chance to do do again.

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[15 Jun 2012|03:21am]

My little man makes me filled with love. Every time he smiles at me with his big toothless grin I get so happy. and he is a good boy he is . He listens to his mommy and has so much fun playing with his toys. He acts far older than he is, he is nearly 3 months old. I am overwhelmed with Joy just knowing I brought such a beautiful being into this world. As he grows older, my only hope is that every day he will smile and be filled with love. For I must be strong for him and I must do what is best for him in every breath that I take. I treasure every moment I spend with him, for he is a gift and a blessing that I will always be grateful for. I now have sacrificed all of my life just for him. My precious angel my baby boy.

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[10 Jun 2012|03:31am]

Dear Robert Allen Junior, father to my son,
Tonight and every night I wish I recorded all the things that you said to me to make me love you as much as I said that I do, or did, or both. The soft gentle words that put me to sleep, your tender touch, your warm cheast. I wish I could bottle it up and use those powers when I need them most. Like now. Like now when I feel so alone and afraid and have resorted to my abusive ways. Not onto anyone else but myself. Let me remind you and anyone else that's reading that I did Infact let you go, once. They say to let love go when it's unruly and dosnt want to stay and when if comes back... It was meant to be. Well me and you, you see... We were, or are, the center of that fucking universal melody. I crave a deeper nature. Something sick. Something raw and insolent. I want a disease disorder. Something exciting that is still alive. James is gone. Fuck! Why?! Im having a hard time with it already!!!! I'm haunted and bullshit. At least I have another beautiful friend to find when it's my time to go. But not for many moons, my little one needs me.

But alas, my Jesse is still alive, but I worry about him so. If Jesse goes I will quit. I'll quit with a "fuck you I'm done" and walk out kind of quit. Watch me I will.

Dear god, please keep my Jesse alive. I know he has hurt me but i have probably hurt him too and I have made choices and he has made choices and let what is is and what will be, be. Blessed father, I praise thee.

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[08 Jun 2012|01:47pm]

Last night I got some nice pleasure and I fell asleep after Feeling haunted. He might not understand me completely but boy does he know how to love me.

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[08 Jun 2012|02:32am]

Hi James. I miss you, well a lot of us miss you. I am writing to you because in some way I think you still read this diary. Ian wrote a song for you. I love this song for you along time ago I think it's time to write you another one. I saw so much good in you. I saw the hurting inside of you too. I just don't know what to do with myself these days. I now have a little baby who depends on me and I have a guy in my who tries to be there for us too. it's just not the same anymore I'm missing some part of my life some part of my rockstar life that I really wish I could still hold on to. I would like to get a MacBook and make songs on it. I think after I pay off my bills by the end of the month I'm going to buy one. I might have enough with the help of the thousand dollars you gave me. We shall see. I just wanted to know I am really missing you tonight and I'm really missing you always.

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[03 Jun 2012|12:26am]

It was about a year ago to this day or within weeks plus or minus that I got pregnant. It was the second time within months of getting pregnant the first time.

The first time you ask? Well that was a very bad time. But with all that time things are changed around from it. Things are made from it. I started a new career in the health insurance industry. I called myself a "benefits consultant". It was a standard 9 to 5 but there was no hourly pay. Everything you may want from months and months of prior planning and understanding. You would have to get businesses to agree to offer your services and let them talk to your staff. They basically had to agree to a sales pitch agreement to any sure they're faculty if they were to get cancer or a critical disease insurance coverage. It was one of those things where income was never certain you have to work very very long hours and make plans to meet with people and it only worked for me a few times. I am still in love with the carrier. Anyways I'm waitressing right now. Back to where I started when I was pregnant the first time.

It is 1230 no wait 12:20 AM on Sunday and I am going to see my almost husband and my beautiful baby that I share with him. It was just around this time last year when I got pregnant with our beautiful baby Robert Allen Begley the third. He loves his mommy so much. I can't wait to hold him again or to see him smile at me on the changing table. He is my entire universe

Around this time last year, Rob and I had sex on the beaches of Ogunquit Maine. We were so passionate about each other, we couldn't get enough of each other. I have never shared a more intimate and beautiful chemistry between another individual in my entire life exit for I have with Rob. Behold me and

That calms me down when I can leave and the way he coaches my hair or whispers in my ear relaxes my every action. I couldn't get enough of him back then and now I almost feel that we might take each other for granted. We really do have to work as a team now and seeing each other every day kind of take out the sparkle of what the times I can only see you during certain days of the week. But you are such a wonderful father and you love that baby with every list of your breath. I really think that out of all the boys I've ever slept with, I am so blessed to have a child with you. Sometimes now, I feel that we have drifted apart and I have really come to question was what I really am looking for to enjoy and involved for the rest of my life. I understand that no matter what happened you and I have to be in contact for the rest of our lives on some professional and parental level. I just can't define or capitalize on anything hungry for our future together, I sealed that like you idealize, you and I should live duty today. We have to be there for our son we share a baby together and we will for the rest of our entire lives we better always carry some sort of town love for each other what we have created life

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[26 May 2012|03:50am]

Hi journal I made two hundred and $40 tonight. boo Ya! However, my back is on fire and it is 3:30 AM again and I am in a lot of pain. And, guess again, I can't sleep! It was quite a wonderful night though John closed as manager and gwen closed with me and we just had an overall very smooth and happy evening. My little one didn't sleep until I got home. I went out after work and Met Lance and Kathy for a few drinks. I insisted on paying for them because of my winnings. We are going to have a ripper at Kathy's house some night soon. It finally got a little less muggy outside and James my love I know you are with me I feel you on my bones. You did come to me, you came to me in that lovely form of a red bellied woodpecker. It suits you so well a piss head and all jumping on everybody's houses and on rotted bark, it just makes sense. I wish I could've seen you one more time my James before you went in to the other world. It would've been nice to sing together one last time. I do hope I can find some recordings of you and I. But alas I still admit that we were quite destructive together but in a way that I did admire. And I do remember your sweet kisses. And cute child like ways. Anyways it's late very late and I should make sure my little baby is a okay. Thank you for being here for me journal when no one else can be. Xo

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[25 May 2012|02:51am]

It is 2:40 AM I have to be up in four hours and 20 minutes and I cannot sleep again. Part of me feels wired from work and a part of me still feels haunted. I am somewhat depressed because I am finally getting to accept and understand the realization that I do not have my pre-pregnancy body. In fact, i actually feel fatter than I did after just having the baby. Everyone tells me that because I just had a baby, to relax and to give it time. I on the other hand, know a few moms who have managed to lose weight and resume their prepregnancy body very soon after giving birth. I am still figuring out how much money I am going to make per shift and I'm trying to budget it without worrying about having to depend on the government for aid. Part of me does not want to weigh myself and the other part feels like it is very necessary in order to know how much I have to lose. I wonder if what I am going through is post-depression because of James. These days I feel impulsive and when I am impulsive and not conscious of what I'm doing I tend to eat more and very poorly I might add. I feel bad because I've totally neglected AFLAC and all of my duties there. Part of me is very depressed because I feel like I am being a bad agent. the other part says why even bother because I've pretty much surrendered it in my mind. All I can really focus on right now is having enough money to survive and making sure every day of my little boys life is filled with love. I think I should look into Weight Watchers. I also think I should take some sort of exercise class. Enough of this shit I can't talk about it anymore I'm too crazed with insecurity and insanity to talk about it anymore tonight.

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[22 May 2012|05:04am]

Baby Bobby got his two month old shots today, I'm praying he doesn't develop autism. I really don't think he will, something the stars told me not to worry.

So I got really shitty drunk the other night. I went to my car and listened to the CD James gave me a year or so ago. It was a "stars above" demo and he specifically told me that track six "one February day" was about me. I listened to the whole album over and over and went back into my messages on Facebook and retread our conversations. The last thing I told him was to give all his problems to the universe and he would figure it out. I guess he did and he went into the universe I mean that's pretty literal don't you think?

I won $1000 on a scratch ticket Saturday night. It was almost unreal. I do believe that James made that happen for me, like a present for being a friend to him. Still, $1000 does not bring him back to this earth. Now, I feel that I have no connection to his friends or his band or anything having to do with the north shore in general, except for sweet Rebecca my professor in Peabody but she's very busy with her career and a baby. I am thankful well I am very thankful for that thousand dollars. I gave Robb 150, the state took 50 and I also brought $100 worth of groceries. We also went to Applebee's as a family and I got sangria. I have excepted that I am the one who is going to make money for the family. I mean don't get me wrong, Rob makes money and has a job but i pay for groceries and electric bill and pretty much what we need to live.

I'm done bitching about money. money does not really matter, nor will ever matter to me. I would just like enough money to keep a roof over our heads, go on vacation once in a while and send my son to college oh- and be able to eat without struggling. I do dearly want a career which I can use my intellectual smarts to get paid. Something that I can rely on every week for paycheck and not have to worry about making commissions and not being able to feed my family. But i cant start a career for now because I do not want to stick the baby in daycare and I can't ask Rob's mother to watch him 9 to 5 every day. she won't have a life at all and won't be able to go to her doctors appointments.

And ha oh Robb, my sweet dear baby daddy. well, I know he really does love me. It's just sad that he doesnt like to explore the intellectual world the same way that I do. He will never be able to get into music and lyrics the same way as I or find Comfort and sincerity in a poem such as I would. He will never spill his heart to me on paper or explain what he sees In my paintings. I pray my son will. Just wish he would tell me stories once in a while. But sadly it will never happen so unfortunately my heart keeps an open sore.

Well, it is 5 in the morning and i have a horrible stomachache. the baby will be waking soon and I'm still haunted but I want to be.

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[20 May 2012|02:58am]

Isn't it just so bloody comforting when we finally figure ourselves out? Why even speak anymore when the anecdote is right in front of you? Well, it has been the whole time but now it is finally tangible. How sweet are the juices of imagination ? Emancipated 14 years too late. we bow and scowl away from the late bloomer's- but some raise an eyebrow and think "well hey maybe I might still have a chance".

I love you figured out or not. Just like Mario world. Bowser has been defeated but there are all those secret levels yet to uncover. The flesh is what will truly be the death of us, I suppose. I get lost in the interactive- its not the norm. Our game is on a far more intuitive playing field. I cry for the protagonist but always cheer on the antagonist on, it's just my way.

I would rather leave the real life alone for a minute or even a few more months because honestly, fiction is far more involving and intimate don't you think? I think thinking in it's self causes all types of neon trouble. Just like a green light on a race track, engaging speed For just that one special, glorified night.

I would like to get a drink and fuck. Sorry for the blatant honesty but I'd rather not Lie. inhibition's are way better sloppy. I prefer sloppy sometimes..

Oh shit. I just remembered I am a mother. I want my child to grow up honest, I do. I want my child to know his mother's ups and downs, her smiles and frowns and mistakes. Dearest child, try everything once but Not heroin- that my child is not an option, it is absolutely off-limits. DO NOT or I will kill you myself and cigarettes to- not for you.

My body has a good sense of purpose and my brain, a solid "peace of mind". However, the hours slip and the days dwindle and are so unforgiving onto time. Only the sweet lord knows when it will be my last breath and final time.

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February 5, 2010 [19 May 2012|12:14am]

Wispy winds, you make me feel on fire today. Blatantly these days have been acting the aftermath and overflow of left over angst particles which, have resulted in years of past encounters or well, reflections of snap shot nouns, deconstructed and stored.

Days like in these drip fragmented memories from sour brain pockets and collect in stagnant pools of water. They May contain pieces of fermented passion and have been pushed to the utmost edges of the human consciousness.

Alas! The remains of human contact carry such diseases. What crafty connections have come and gone. They somehow find a way to linger forever and chomp away at the soul. Oh ex-lover, the forgotten friend, the wish upon a shooting star that came 15 years too late. Oh what silly motives must have the master of fate.

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January 24, 2010 [19 May 2012|12:08am]

Oh hello dearest. Dearest of my darkest day mare. Dreamer of the deep diluted driwnding dulldromes. Oh what to do what to say how to play and what will tomorrow bring? Only sweet succulent suffering. I never needed surgery to get a perfect body. I don't need a graduate degree to make myself feel Worothy but still health and knowledge out rule every other facet of life that could mean success. Success is counted sweetest to those who ne'er succeed a beautiful lady once said and I believe. I believe everything that to me, makes sense to believe.
Would you have it other way? Even during sheer great stricken days of dismay? Just pray. Pray and be prosperous to your soul.

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[17 May 2012|01:49am]

I spent so much time here with you my journal since the year 2000. James and I would write to each other and share our scrambles here. Now all my thoughts are flat with no one to read them.

I live for my little boy bobby Allen. My angel.

They are burying my dear friend on my 28 birthday. May his new journey bring him peace and all the answers he was looking for. :(

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amber update [09 Dec 2009|12:53am]
cancer comes and collects and infects those around like ladys who flock around the same cycle. the bombs beat us daily but the "us" did not even notice. then there are those who remain 3 c;s constantly. cool calm collect their vallum or collamity in whatever form or scriitpt can be writ while a 12 year old is impregnated by peace no wait... more like a piece of something leathal or illegal. allegedly leading to a cooperate confusion debate over a prostate inlarger larger than life legacy..... and what about the yous and the mes and the dosey does of the babies which all my old friends have. all grown up in lace or maybe married if they want to be but not me.... no i dont think i could ever truly be happy in this town with so many phoneys or phooey framed falsities.

i miss the motion by the ocean and i miss everything angry. all this settling makes me sea sick so much nausea i want to pee puke chunks in great amounts. ahh angsty beauty... dead boys and girls i want you inside me forever and ever to lick love and cradle... every angle every pin pricked blood line memory... you can take whatever you want of them or me but please leave the bitter sweet memories...
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the heart is dumb and the heart is blind [04 May 2009|12:12pm]

I've been neglecting you and I am sorry. Actually, I've been neglecting many self truths that had been encouraging  happiness.  Goals, which I had been working so hard to achieve, beauties that just slipped out of my hands.

And it is here journal, here in this nuclear haze, where reality smacked me across the face.  Here where the simple thought of existence threw me into panic.  The truth that all of these parts: cells, tissues, nails, teeth, red, had aged 25 years.  This single number reminded me of the obvious truth that time is not going to wait for me, no matter how nicely I ask or how subtle I ignore it.   25 years, 25 years of love and patience and practice to find myself where ? Moving how fast?  And there it is.  A big realization that 6 moths of faking it adds up to a dumps worth of waste. 

Well journal, let me tell you that this Jenna girl has just received her call to duty.  Amongst the many wars that spread daily, I forgot about the the war within myself.  This battle is a thought, a lifestyle, and a
tangible triumph, which I must fight to find eternal peace. 

Being a nice person does not mean that I can't be picky or that I can't be alone.  There are so many self discoveries that I and every person can only find during solitude. The sad part is that I knew this.  I had this.  And I choose to lose it.  Now, through operation butterfly, and through the help of dear loving friends I have found my sheath and am ready to battle onward.  

Thank You. 

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sometimes saturday mornings [26 Sep 2008|12:48pm]
Sometimes Saturday mornings find me bird watching in the living room. Feeders flood with finches and blue jays and weird birds I don’t know their names. I sit in stagnant left over spoiled air collecting thoughts about flying. I wish the bird feeder was actually inside the house so the birds would fly even closer to me. I so want to touch them and teach them tricks. Have you ever sat to ponder birds and their business? What busy beaks they have! From here I see one that is very different from the rest. He has huge tufts and his belly is yellow though the rest of him is fire-engine red. I imagine he is the king of his bird castle, somewhere in bird land. I bet he is the announcer to all the bird games and events. I wonder what his family is like or if he even has a family. Wow! He just butted the blue jay out of line! “Touché”, the blue jay cawed out as he backed away from the feeder. All this merriment found on the couch on a Saturday morning.
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